I am in the process of writing a book (update: it’s published! here) about the female orgasm, and I’d like to share with you some of the unconventional secrets of female orgasm that i cover in the book.
This is what you can do in order to orgasm for the first time or to have stronger, deeper and *much* longer orgasms:
Masturbate daily – This is the core practice I recommend to all my clients, students and readers of my mailing list (register here) . Before you expect to have orgasmic sex with another person, learn how to touch, pleasure, and love yourself. The benefits of masturbation include pleasure, deeper orgasms, healing your body and heart, independence and empowerment. Read more: The secret of great sex.
Internal stimulation – Masturbation is just the beginning. It’s important to know how to masturbate, and internal stimulation is the key. Use a non-vibrating dildo, a long vegetable, or at least your fingers. Read more: Internal stimulation wakes up your femininity, pleasure and power.
Go beyond the clit – A clitoral orgasm isn’t bad. It’s just nothing compared to an internal orgasm, and it sometimes prevents you from having more deep and meaningful orgasms. Enjoy clitoral stimulation but avoid clitoral orgasms and instead learn to internalize the pleasure and turn it into a whole body orgasm. Read more: Are clitoral orgasms really serving you?; Clitoral vs internal orgasms; and turning clitoral stimulation into whole body orgasms
Deep belly breath – Most people breathe into their chest instead of their belly. Many women stop or contract their breath in a sexual situation. Deep belly breath brings more air into your lungs, more energy into your body, more awareness to your genital area, and is both relaxing and invigorating. I have met women and a even a man who could take a few deep breaths and orgasm. Play with various speeds of breath and with breathing only through the mouth.
Continuous sounds – This is a big one. Making sounds opens the throat, relaxes the jaw, helps breathe deeper and longer, allows the expression of both pleasure and pain, aids in healing guilt and shame around sexuality, and actually creates pleasure even if in the beginning you feel that you are just “faking” it. Experiment with different kinds of sounds – sensual, innocent, wild, different pitches etc. As with any of the other techniques, I’ve guided women to orgasm from this technique by itself. On a side note, women have more throat and thyroid problems than men. This is related to self expression, as many women don’t express their needs and boundaries. Read more: How making sounds can unleash your orgasms, help you heal, and empower you as a woman
Hip movements – When you see a woman who is dancing sensually, does she move her hips? The hips are related to the first chakra (vitality, grounding, stability), and the second chakra (sexuality, sensuality, juiciness). Learning to move your hips in various ways will create sexual arousal, pleasure and then orgasm. It also increases both your and your partner’s pleasure during sex. Experiment with back-and-forth, side-to-side, circling, undulating, shaking, and bouncing your hips.
Try NOT to orgasm – “Huh? I thought you are teaching me how to orgasm”. The idea is that by stimulating yourself but stopping yourself from orgasming, you will experience an orgasmic state rather than an orgasmic peak, and you might experience a deeper orgasm than you ever had. Read more: Do not orgasm.
Squeeze it – Practice vaginal and pc muscle contractions. This is great for vaginal health, for experiencing stronger and more varied pleasure and orgasm, for bringing pleasure to your partner, and is great both before and after giving birth. Make sure you also completely relax those muscles. Consider using a vaginal jade egg to exercise your vaginal muscles. You can order it from my colleague Shashi Soluna here.
Pleasure is orgasm – See every moment or expression of pleasure – heat, tingling, pulsation, sensation, goosebumps etc – as a mini orgasm, as an orgasmic expression, and learn to appreciate and celebrate that. Read more: Every wave of pleasure is actually…
Sweat it – Women get aroused more easily when they move; Men get aroused more easily when they relax. Dance or exercise for half an hour just before you masturbate or have sex. This will get you into your body. Try not to have a shower, because the smell, taste and pheromones of the sweat can arouse both you and your partner.
Relax – While you are masturbating or having sex, you can breathe strongly, make sounds and move your hips, but make sure you are relaxed – not tensed and stressed about needing to orgasm. Don’t try to orgasm. Just allow yourself to enjoy your body, the experience and the moment. Experiment also with relaxing and not doing anything – just notice the sensations in your body or allow your partner to pleasure you, without doing anything “in return”.
Surrender – Ultimately, an orgasm is a moment of surrender, and deep orgasms require deep surrender. Practice surrender in your daily life. Affirm to yourself “I surrender” before, during and after a masturbation or sex session.
Notice that you can do most of the above by yourself, without needing a partner. This is my approach to sexual education and generally to personal development – It’s all about you. Start with yourself, do what you can, don’t expect others to save you.
However, you can also ask for help:
Receive Tantric body work and vaginal massage – I know if might sound crazy for you, but there are professionals out there who can hold a special body work session for you which includes sensual touch and potentially also vaginal massage and orgasm coaching. This is how I started my journey as a sexual educator and a life coach. These people have studied and practiced approaches and techniques that most people in the world wouldn’t imagine or dare to try. To know more about my services, check out my sexual coaching page
Experiment with some of these techniques and approaches for a month, and let me know about your progress.
This is still just the tip of the iceberg. Register to my mailing list below to receive my free “female orgasm guide” and to know when my extensive female orgasm book will be published. (update: it’s published! here)
I wish you deep, long, ecstatic, and meaningful orgasms.